A lot of things have happened since my last post, so I apologize if this becomes a long, lengthy one.
After the fall from Saturday, or Friday I don’t really remember, I was a bit hesitant to get back on. Not because Libby was bad, or because I was afraid of her, but mostly because I have formed this thought in my head that I will “mess her up”, and that fall further solidified it that I wasn’t capable of riding her like I thought I could. I know I’d written about how dejected I was through a previous post, but I didn’t really realize just how much it killed my confidence in my riding.
Due to exams I wasn’t able to ride for the rest of the week, and then with my trip to New Orleans, I hadn’t ridden in over a week and a half. Got out to the barn and my stuff was moved around, my trunk had been opened, and I couldn’t find my half pad anywhere. I was upset, and asked my trainer where everything was, and the conversation escalated into a full blown screaming match. All the drama that had been happening at the barn resurfaced, and it was a mess. I’d started looking at moving, and was seriously considering moving to another farm in the area. After yet more drama, the other trainer called my current trainer to tell her she was picking Libby up even before I’d made any decisions, I didn’t know what I wanted.
After speaking about everything with my mom I decided that what I really needed was some time off from Libby, the barn, everything, and that with my school workload I was just burnt out. So I ended up leaving Libby where she was and put her in full training for two weeks, to reevaluate where I’m at after the two weeks. Not that I want to sell her, but I’m just not as happy riding like I was before, and whether its because of me not wanting to be at the barn anymore because of the people, or because of the fall that killed any sort of confidence I had in my riding, I’ve lost the drive and motivation to be out there.
Right now I’m in the middle of the two weeks, and to say I’m still confused is an understatement. I don’t exactly feel comfortable at the barn anymore, even though apologies were said about the fight. And Libby isn’t looking as good as I want her too anymore. So when I sit down and think about my time at the current barn, I really want to move. But I was very weirded out by the new trainer calling mine without my consent, and I don’t really trust any of the other farms in the area. I just don’t know what my goals are anymore. I want Libby still, I couldn’t even imagine giving her up, but I can’t help shake the feeling that I’m holding her back.
Maybe in a new environment with different people I’ll have my drive and passion for it again, but at this point I just don’t know what I want to do!
Sorry for the confusing post, and the writing in circles. I just need to focus on what I really want and go for it, but I’m still stuck in a cloud of confusion…