In a constant state of confusion…

A lot of things have happened since my last post, so I apologize if this becomes a long, lengthy one. 

After the fall from Saturday, or Friday I don’t really remember, I was a bit hesitant to get back on.  Not because Libby was bad, or because I was afraid of her, but mostly because I have formed this thought in my head that I will “mess her up”, and that fall further solidified it that I wasn’t capable of riding her like I thought I could.  I know I’d written about how dejected I was through a previous post, but I didn’t really realize just how much it killed my confidence in my riding. 

Due to exams I wasn’t able to ride for the rest of the week, and then with my trip to New Orleans, I hadn’t ridden in over a week and a half.  Got out to the barn and my stuff was moved around, my trunk had been opened, and I couldn’t find my half pad anywhere.  I was upset, and asked my trainer where everything was, and the conversation escalated into a full blown screaming match.  All the drama that had been happening at the barn resurfaced, and it was a mess.  I’d started looking at moving, and was seriously considering moving to another farm in the area.  After yet more drama, the other trainer called my current trainer to tell her she was picking Libby up even before I’d made any decisions, I didn’t know what I wanted. 

After speaking about everything with my mom I decided that what I really needed was some time off from Libby, the barn, everything, and that with my school workload I was just burnt out.  So I ended up leaving Libby where she was and put her in full training for two weeks, to reevaluate where I’m at after the two weeks.  Not that I want to sell her, but I’m just not as happy riding like I was before, and whether its because of me not wanting to be at the barn anymore because of the people, or because of the fall that killed any sort of confidence I had in my riding, I’ve lost the drive and motivation to be out there. 

Right now I’m in the middle of the two weeks, and to say I’m still confused is an understatement.  I don’t exactly feel comfortable at the barn anymore, even though apologies were said about the fight.  And Libby isn’t looking as good as I want her too anymore.  So when I sit down and think about my time at the current barn, I really want to move.  But I was very weirded out by the new trainer calling mine without my consent, and I don’t really trust any of the other farms in the area. I just don’t know what my goals are anymore.  I want Libby still, I couldn’t even imagine giving her up, but I can’t help shake the feeling that I’m holding her back. 

Maybe in a new environment with different people I’ll have my drive and passion for it again, but at this point I just don’t know what I want to do! 

Sorry for the confusing post, and the writing in circles.  I just need to focus on what I really want and go for it, but I’m still stuck in a cloud of confusion…

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12 thoughts on “In a constant state of confusion…

  1. So sorry you're having to go through this. I think taking some time off was the best thing you could have done. Sometimes it's important to take a step back. I know problems in your barn situation just adds to the emotional rollercoaster. Just remember that it's your decision, about the barn, about Libby and you deserve to take all the time you need. Hang in there!

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  2. So sorry 😦 I have no idea what your situation is and this might be way out there, but have you thought about moving her to wherever your parents live and have her in full training there IF there are trainers/barns you are more comfortable with? You could ride on breaks/during the summer when you have more time? It might just give you a break from the ongoing obligation/drama. Balancing school and riding is super hard…I never did it. If you are feeling overwhelmed and like you have exhausted your current options, maybe there are other options that you haven't considered for the short term. Hang in there.

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  3. That sounds like a very confusing and emotional situation 😦 I feel like I have to say though, there is no such thing as holding your horse back. Unless you have serious competition goals for her to up her re-sale value or something (and it doesn't sound like you do), don't worry about 'messing her up'. If you're both safe, having fun together is the most important thing. Good luck 🙂

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  4. So sorry to hear this. Riding should be an outlet from the stress of school. When I went to UF I boarded at Rolling Acres and can tell you my horse had THE BEST care there. Check them out.

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  5. Ugh — I hate that you are struggling so much. Riding is what we do for FUN, and if it's not fun, then something needs to change. And remember, as a life-long hobby, there are going to be ups and downs — don't ever feel like you don't have people to talk to (even just to vent!) because we've all been there.

    *Hugs*

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  6. Sorry you're going through this. Your horse has no aspirations for showing or “being messed up” though – just find a situation where you are happy riding her… even if all you do is hack in the field.

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  7. Boo, riding should be fun (most of the time)… hugs Shelley! Seems like that barn has been either really high or really low for you 😦

    I hope that you can figure out what works for you and Libby 🙂 Send her here, I'll ride her for ya and then send her back when you want her 🙂 hehe

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  8. This barn was one of the places I'd really wanted to move to when I first got my mare, but it was out of my spending range. 😦 Even tried to work out a working student kind of position so I could get money off of board but it still proved to be too much.

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  9. This really stinks. Have you thought about maybe riding somewhere not competitive for a while, just enjoying your horse and learning to have fun again? Do you have any riding friends that you can spend time with also, just doing things low key? Hang in there…things will get better.

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  10. My trainer once told me that the only way to 'mess a horse up' is if you a) let them get away with really dangerous behavior or b) beat the crap out of them. As far as i can tell, you aren't doing either of those things.
    Now, in terms of her 'progression'. Would she progress faster if she were in pro training? Probably. So would most horses. But is she HAPPY? Is she SAFE?
    At the end of the day, thats all that matters to a horse. And sadly, a lot of them don't get that.
    Now get back out there, figure out what you want and go get it!! 🙂

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  11. obviously there are bunch of other ways to mess a horse up but trust me, you aren't doing any of them :). Also, I was having similar thoughts of not 'being good enough' when I bought my young horse. And yeah, i have absolutely screwed up distances, transitions, you name it. But he turned out INCREDIBLE (not that i'm biased). Horses are incredibly giving creatures. They don't hold a grudge. At the end of the day all they want is their human and some hay.

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  12. I just started reading your blog, but I want to give you a big hug! I understand completely… I am lucky enough I was able to send my ponies to my parent's ranch.. I agree with the others, yours and Libby's safety is the highest priority!

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